Arm in Arm

“I wish I could be an octopus, so I could slap eight people at one time.” ~unknown

Lana was looking exceptionally fine this morning, Daria thought. Her long, slender legs were tucked beneath her lithe body as she sat busily sorting through her treasures, and her skin was positively glowing with that almost ethereal hue that Daria always found enchanting. Her eyes were large and luminous, in shades ranging between brown and blue, depending on the light and her mood. Today, they were hazel, and she seemed at peace as she looked up and gazed back, unperturbed by Daria’s frank stare.

I have the best job Daria thought. Not everybody gets to work with such a beautiful creature.

“How’s our Oklahoma octopus this morning?” a voice said, interrupting her reverie. The aquarium director, Steve Johnson, appeared in the exhibit doorway and crossed the room to peer into the enormous cylindrical tank.

“Her name’s Lana,” Daria said, frowning. “And she’s doing great.”

“Lana, of course. Lana.”

Steve smiled indulgently down at Daria before returning his gaze to the cephalopod. “It’s awesome, isn’t it? Eight legs and all.”

“She’s awesome, yes,” Daria answered, hand tightening around the hose she held. She had the sudden urge to press the handle and soak Steve from head to toe. “But technically, octopods have two legs and six arms.”

“Legs, then,” Steve said with a slight cough.

He may be new Daria thought. But that is no excuse for a director to go confusing arms with legs.

“Looks like she’s been busy, huh? Is she trying to build something, or what?”

Steve gestured to the pile of shells and rocks around the octopus that Lana was rearranging as she sat in her favorite spot, beneath the large, garishly-hued fiberglass pirate ship. Daria thought the animal’s movements had taken on a rather peevish attitude. She unclenched the hose and determined to be patient, speaking slowly and clearly to the man beside her.

“Octopods are very tidy. Those are the shells of the crustaceans she’s eaten. She’s making her garden.”

“Garden, huh?” Steve chortled. Daria’s patience drained away as quickly as it had been mustered. “Like the song? By The Beetles?”

“Yes. Like the song,” Daria said, through clenched teeth. Please don’t start singing she thought. Please don’t—

“I’d like to be under the sea in an octopus’ garden in the shade,” Steve intoned, slightly offkey, still smiling his insipid grin. Daria tightened her grip on the hose again. Before she could give in to her impulse, however, there was a sudden movement within the tank, and from the top came a silver stream of water, arcing through the air to land squarely on the crotch of Steve’s khakis.

“Hey!” he yelped, leaping back. Daria began to laugh despite herself. From within the tank, Lana settled once again amongst the shells and rocks as quickly as she had shot to the surface. “What the hell was that?”

“She used her jets on you,” Daria said, between chuckles. “Apparently she doesn’t like your voice.”

“Geeez,” Steve said, scrubbing at the dark stain with his hand. “Guess I’ll go to the men’s room and dry out.”

“You do that,” Daria said, turning her attention to a ladder nearby, leaning against the tank holding the nautiluses. “I need to get to work.”

“See you later,” the director said as he walked away, rather stiff-legged. Daria didn’t answer but glanced down into the octopus tank where Lana was nestling, her skin turning from an agitated orange to the mottled grey of the stones nearby.

“Don’t mind him,” Daria muttered, as much to herself as to the animal. “He’ll think twice before getting too close again.”

~~~~~

Lunch in the cafeteria was always a noisy affair but Daria navigated around the tables of shrieking children and harried parents and found a less-occupied corner beneath a colorful mural depicting the sea-god Poseidon conversing with a mermaid. Daria found it a troublesome bit of artwork, as neither Poseidon nor mermaids were real, but she had learned to overlook such bits of error for the sake of being agreeable. Being agreeable, her mother often said, was more important than being right. Daria wasn’t 100% convinced of this, but she was willing to test the theory. The people she worked with certainly seemed to appreciate it when she didn’t try so very hard to correct them.

“Hey, Daria,” a voice said. She turned to see Jonah, the young man who tended the shark exhibit, setting his tray down beside her. “Is this spot taken?”

The spot was not taken. In fact, Daria was the only one at the table. She shook her head and Jonah scooted his chair in next to hers while simultaneously scooping an enormous bite of Frito chili pie into his mouth. Daria watched in mild alarm as his jaws worked to chew it.

“I know the Heimlich Maneuver,” she said in what she hoped was a reassuring tone. Jonah stopped for a moment to gaze at her, an inscrutable expression on his face. Then he smiled.

“How are the cephalopods doing today?” he asked, wiping his neatly-trimmed dark beard with a napkin. “I heard Steve got a little wet this morning. Does that mean Lana likes him a lot, or not at all?”

Daria snorted. “Not at all. Nor do I. He’s always hanging around my tanks and distracting me while I’m trying to work. He asks such dumb questions, too.”

“Maybe he just likes the cephalopods. You know, trying to learn and all that?

“He hardly seems to listen to my answers. Besides, he’s the director. He’s supposed to know something about aquatic animals, isn’t he? Even if it’s just a bachelor’s degree.”

“Maybe he’s coming around for a different reason entirely,” Jonah said.

“Like what?”

Jonah forked another colossal bite of pie into his mouth instead of answering, but he waggled his eyebrows at Daria in a meaningful way. She scowled. Was he implying that their director was coming to see her? She chewed her eggplant and sprout sandwich and tried to think of an appropriate answer for what she thought was a totally inappropriate suggestion. Jonah finished swallowing and began to laugh. He leaned over and gave her a gentle punch on the arm.

“Never mind, never mind,” he said, finishing his pie. He stopped just short of licking the bowl clean, and Daria thought he looked like he would have, had she not been sitting there. “Maybe I could stop by some time after hours and you could introduce me to Lana?”

“Uh. Sure,” Daria said, flushing. She was not at all sure. It was her general rule to keep her distance from her coworkers, but Jonah was earnest, and she didn’t know how to turn him down right to his amiable face.

“Great! Hey, have you heard that a couple of the angelfish are missing?”

“What? No.”

“Yeah. Apparently, the aquarist went to the exhibit this morning and noticed their absence. Nobody’s sure where they went.”

“Do you think they got eaten by another fish?” Daria asked.

“Seems unlikely. There was, like, no trace. Zero. Zippo. Nada. And the other fish are compatible, of course.”

“Well, that’s weird. What are they going to do?”

“I don’t know. It’s quite a mystery though, right? Maybe Lana crawled out of her tank last night and gobbled them up. You know, like that octopus did at the New England aquarium?”

“They’re all the way across the hallway,” Daria said. “She would have left a big wet trail.”

“True,” Jonah mused, stroking his beard. “And she’s probably not quite that clever—”

“Of course she’s clever,” Daria snapped, frowning hard. “I’m just not sure that she even knows those tanks exist. And we have a pretty strong latch on her enclosure.”

“Okay, okay.” Jonah smiled. “It probably wasn’t Lana. Still, you know they’re worth thousands of dollars, right? Somebody obviously wanted to sell them on the black-fish-market. If there is such a thing.”

“I need to get back to work,” Daria said, rising with her tray in her hands. She was done with the conversation, though she was fairly certain Jonah meant no harm by it. She wanted to get back to her cephalopods, who waved their arms at her through the glass and calmed her nerves and never teased her, however gently.

“All righty,” Jonah said cheerfully, rising as well. “I better get back to answering questions about our cartilaginous brethren. I’ll come see you after work; you can give me and Lana a proper introduction.”

“Today? Oh, I—”

“See ya!” Jonah waved, already walking away. Daria lifted her hand weakly, but he wasn’t even looking. She sighed. He might as well come tonight as anytime; it wasn’t like she had any big plans.

~~~~~

At exactly six-fifteen that evening, Daria was breathing a sigh of relief that the last of the visitors had finally heeded the speakers announcing that the aquarium was closing and had meandered their way out of her exhibit and into the gift shop for souvenirs. The low hum of voices faded away and she was alone. She gazed at Lana fondly through the glass and smiled.

“Well now,” she said. “Except for that pair of hoodlums earlier, it was a pretty good day, wasn’t it?”

“Do you always talk to her?” Jonah said, appearing beside her. She jumped and caught the cry of alarm behind her teeth before it could escape.

“Do you always sneak up on people?” she demanded, hand over her heart.

“Sorry! I thought you heard me come in.”

“I do talk to her,” Daria said, answering Jonah’s original question. “All the time. Sometimes it’s the most intelligent conversation I have all day.”

Jonah chuckled.

“And what did I hear about hoodlums?” he asked.

“Just a pair of boys in here today who thought it was funny to bang on the tanks. I had to get severe with them.”

“You? Severe? I can’t believe it.”

Daria eyed her coworker narrowly. He was not smiling but his brown eyes were twinkling, and she couldn’t be sure if she was being teased again or not.

“I threatened to kick them out if they didn’t stop immediately,” she said. “Banging on the glass will stress out the animals.”

“I’m glad you set them straight. Too many unsupervised kids running around these days. Especially now that school is out for the summer.”

“I agree.”

“Is it time to feed Lana yet? She looks hungry to me.”

Jonah nodded towards the glass enclosure where Lana sat, snoozing in between the rocks beneath the ship. Daria turned to observe the octopus and thought she looked completely contented.

“Does she?” she asked. “What makes you think so?”

“Her stomach’s growling. Oh wait, that’s mine.” The brown eyes twinkled again, and Daria couldn’t help smiling.

“Well, it is time anyway,” she said. “And I know you want to watch. Come on.”

They turned together and Daria pushed open a door labeled Employees Only. From inside the room, they ascended a large metal ladder affixed to the wall, and Daria took a container of seafood from a nearby refrigerator.

In the scaffolding above the aquariums, Daria could access the screens atop all the tanks in her care. She loved moving about on the walkways, looking down upon her charges and feeding and cleaning as needed. The burbling of the oxygenators suffused her with a peace she rarely felt anywhere else, and she sighed with pleasure.

“Here she is,” she said, stopping above the octopus tank. Lana looked up, roused from her slumber, and swam to the surface of the water, her many limbs undulating as she came.

“Hello, Lana,” Jonah said with a small bow. “I’m Jonah. It’s nice to meet you.”

“She can’t understand you,” Daria said, wrinkling her brow. “She’s smart, but octopods don’t understand human speech. At least, not that we know of.”

“I know,” Jonah said, smiling. “I was just being polite.”

Daria shook her head and scooped a handful of shrimp from the bucket and tossed them into the water, watching as Lana wrapped her tentacles around them. One by one, they disappeared beneath her body and into her mouth.

“She doesn’t look as huge from up here,” Jonah commented.

“The curved glass makes her look bigger from the ground,” Daria said, nodding. “It magnifies her. I think it’s purposely built that way.”

“How big is she really?”

“She’s only three months old, and she’s pretty small for a Giant Pacific Octopus. Only about two hundred pounds right not. She might get as much as three hundred, though. Or more. The biggest GPO we know about at this point was about four hundred pounds.”

“That’s a whopper,” Jonah said. “How long will she live?”

“Octopods don’t live long,” Daria said with a sigh, plucking a crab from the container and holding it above the water. Lana’s long arm broke the surface and grabbed it. “She’ll probably only live five years, at the very most.”

“Really? That’s kinda sad.”

“It is. I’m already really attached to her.”

“I can tell.”

“I was here when she first arrived. She was the first octopus to the aquarium. Everybody was excited, but I was super nervous. I had never taken care of a GPO before, although I’d learned all about them in school, of course.”

“You? Nervous?” Jonah said, his eyebrows raised. “You never seem to get nervous about anything. Hey, can I feed her something?”

Daria handed him another crab but before he could even move, Lana had snatched it. He laughed.

“Wow, that was quick,” he said looking at his empty palm. “I told you she was hungry.”

“She loves crabs,” Daria said, smiling at his amazement. She dropped two more into the tank and watched as Lana devoured them. When she was done, Daria dipped her forearm into the water and Lana rose to wrap one arm around it, suckers moving gently over her skin.

“What’s she doing now?” Jonah asked.

“She’s tasting me,” Daria said. “Her suckers have specialized cells that help them distinguish what things are, and what things they might like to eat.”

“Hopefully you’re not one of those things.”

“I’m not.”

“Will she taste me, too?”

“Maybe. You can see, if you want.”

Jonah hesitated for a moment and then leaned over, putting his arm in the tank. Lana turned her gaze to him, her large, bulbous eye studying him. She slid one tentacle towards him and gently explored his hand. He looked over at Daria and laughed nervously.

“It tickles,” he said. “Is she gonna pull me in?”

“Only if she really likes you,” Daria said, smirking. Jonah hastily pulled his hand from the water. “Don’t worry. I was just kidding.”

“Thank goodness.”

“That’s about it, I guess. I need to get on and finish feeding everybody else.”

Jonah followed Daria as she moved from tank to tank, feeding the cuttlefish, nautiluses, and squid in turn. She checked water temperatures and PH levels as well, gratified to see that nothing needed adjusting at that moment.

“Does everybody have a name?” Jonah asked.

“Not everybody,” Daria answered. “I didn’t name the cuttlefish. But the nautiluses are Fred and Ginger.”

“Like the actors?”

“I like old movies.”

“Cool,” Jonah said. “Well, everybody seems pretty happy. You take really good care of them.”

“Thanks,” Daria said, warmed by the compliment. “I’m sure you’re just as good with sharks.”

“I love my job,” he replied. “But I don’t think sharks are nearly as complicated as cephalopods.”

They climbed back down the ladder and stood for a moment, watching Lana as she settled back onto the floor of the aquarium, tucked between the rocks. A noise behind them caused them to turn and see the janitor enter the room with his mop and bucket.

“Oh, hey Bill,” Jonah said.

“Hey,” the man answered, hardly looking up as he moved across the floor. “You might want to get out of the way.”

“Sure,” Jonah said as he and Daria went into the hallway. “He’s so friendly,” he whispered to her.

“Is he?” Daria said in surprise. “I never noticed.”

“I’m being sarcastic,” Jonah said. “He’s not friendly at all.”

Jonah walked her to her car, commenting on the Oklahoma humidity and general weather. Daria nodded, unsure of what to say. Small talk had always baffled her. She unlocked the door and prepared to climb into the driver’s seat when Jonah put his hand on her arm.

“Thanks for showing me around,” he said. “Maybe I can return the favor sometime and introduce you to the sharks.”

“Sure,” she said. “That would be interesting.” She sat down and put the key in the ignition.

“Daria?” Jonah said. Daria stopped, looking up at him. His usual jovial face was nervous, and she felt suddenly anxious. “Would you like to go out sometime? See the new action flick, maybe?”

“I don’t really like action flicks,” she said.

“Comedy, then?”

“Don’t like those either.”

“Get something to eat? Do you like to eat?”

“Of course,” Daria answered. “Who doesn’t?”

“Then it’s a date,” Jonah said. “How about Friday night?”

“I don’t like dates.”

“I didn’t mean date date. We’ll just get something to eat together. Like friends do.”

“Yeah,” she said, helpless again to put him off. “Okay. I guess.”

“Terrific! Have a great night.”

Jonah turned and strode away, Daria watching until he reached his own car and turned to wave. She waved back and realized with surprise that she was sorry to see him go, and not at all sorry she had said yes to the date. Or whatever it was.

She had been on only two ill-fated dates, long ago, in college, and she winced as she remembered the painful silences and awkward moments.

We’re just getting something to eat she reminded herself. Like friends do

But what was it, exactly, she wondered, that friends do?

~~~~~

Friday evening arrived, and Daria was feeding her charges when she heard a voice calling from beneath her feet. She looked down through the grating and saw Jonah smiling up at her.

“Ready when you are,” he said with a small wave.

“Okay,” she answered, her heart doing a sudden giddy-up in her chest. “I just have to finish with the feeding.”

She was suddenly nervous, and she briefly considered making an excuse about being tired. Jonah seemed to be an understanding sort and he would probably let her off the hook.

She chastised herself. She was a grown woman and could go out with a man; normal people did it all the time. Just relax she heard her mother’s voice say. Mother was always telling her to relax, as if relaxing was nothing more than a command one’s body had to obey. If only it were that easy!

You will not make an excuse she ordered herself, throwing minnows to the nautiluses. She would go out, and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. She had to admit that, along with the anxiety, was an equal amount of hopeful anticipation. Jonah was a nice guy, and it had been a long time since she had felt like getting to know anyone.

She climbed down the ladder and met him at the bottom.

“Did you hear?” he asked.

“Hear what?” she said.

“One of the polka dotted stingrays is gone.”

Daria gasped. She was no expert, but polka dotted stingrays were valuable. And expensive.

“What the heck?” she said. “What’s going on?”

“The police were called in but they didn’t find anything conclusive. The security cameras don’t show anybody messing with the tank.”

“That’s terrible. Really terrible. Who would steal fish?”

“I don’t know, but they’re talking about getting a night guard now. Hopefully before anything else goes missing.”

Daria looked nervously at Lana, who was plastered against the wall of the tank, breathing languidly.

“Don’t worry,” Jonah said, reading her thoughts. “It would take a pretty big production to steal Lana, wouldn’t it?”

“It would,” she admitted.

“Let’s get a move on; I’m starving. What do you like to eat?”

“Anything, I guess,” Daria answered with a shrug. “Except seafood.”

“Obviously,” Jonah said, laughing. “How about tacos? There’s a food truck down the Riverwalk.”

The Oklahoma humidity engulfed them as they stepped out of the building, but there was a pleasant breeze blowing from the Arkansas River as Daria and Jonah walked to the taco stand. They ordered and sat on a bench overlooking the water as they ate. Jonah was good company and a gifted conversationalist, and soon Daria found herself talking about her own life in far more detail than she had planned.

“So you became a marine biologist to spite your mother?” Jonah said, stuffing the last of his tacos into his mouth.

“Yeah, I guess you could put it that way,” Daria said. “She was always assuming she knew what I should be doing. Sometimes it feels like she doesn’t even know me.”

“I think she should be proud of you. Marine biology is no slouch degree. My Biogeochemical Cycles class nearly killed me.”

“That’s a tough one.”

Daria learned that Jonah was from Missouri, that he was the oldest of five siblings but two years younger than her, and that he had moved to Tulsa just six months previous when the job in the shark department opened up. She also learned that they shared an affinity for old movies as well as true-crime dramas. The rest of the evening passed far more pleasantly than she had imagined it could, and when it was over, she and Jonah walked back to her car.

“Let’s do this again sometime,” he said, standing very close to her.

“I’d like that,” she said.

“How about tomorrow night?” he asked. “There’s a concert happening in the park. We could take a blanket and a picnic.”

“I’ve never made a picnic before,” Daria said, feeling slightly panicky at the suggestion.

“Don’t worry. I’ll pack it all myself. I’ll come by after hours, when we’re done closing up.”

Daria nodded and he stood looking down at her for a moment. It was his turn to look awkward, and for a brief moment she thought he might kiss her. She felt a strange tingling in her extremities, but in the next second he was striding away to his car. He turned to wave at her as he reached it, calling across the parking lot.

“I’ll see you tomorrow!”

Daria waved back, feeling oddly disappointed. Had she wanted him to kiss her? Her thoughts and emotions were in a tumult as she drove home. All she knew was that she was a little sad the evening was over. She was looking forward to the next day, the picnic, and the concert—three things she had never looked forward to before.

The next morning as she entered the aquarium, she found herself humming a nameless tune as she walked down the corridor. In the next moment, she was standing in shock in the doorway of the cephalopod room, staring in disbelief at the octopus tank.

Lana was gone.

~~~~~

“But…who would want to steal an octopus?” Steve was saying to the policeman, who was taking notes as Daria paced the floor.

“Who wouldn’t?” she snapped at him, eyes flashing

“They’re not even that expensive,” he stammered.

“Lana is priceless,” Daria answered. “If you paid attention, you would know she’s a major draw to this aquarium. People come to see her specifically.”

“You’re sure it’s not in any of the other tanks?” the cop asked. “There was that one octopus in New England—”

“Lana’s tank has a lock on it,” Daria interrupted. “It was broken.”

“No fingerprints on the tank,” a detective said, appearing beside the policeman. “No prints anywhere, in fact. The whole area has been wiped clean except for the water on the floor. We’re examining the footage from the security cameras, but it’s looking like it’s been tampered with as well.”

“What are you going to do?” Daria asked, feeling close to tears. “Octopi are extremely sensitive to stress. What if the perpetrators don’t know how to take care of her? What if they put her in the wrong water? Or feed her the wrong things?”

“Don’t worry, ma’am,” the detective said. “We’ll get to the bottom of this. And we’re putting a security detail in place until we do. Nothing else is going to leave this aquarium. Joe and Frank here are staying the night.”

He pointed at two policemen. Daria thought they looked distinctly bored.

“Only two?” Daria said.

“I think we can handle it,” one of them said, rolling his eyes. “It’s not Tony Montana. It’s just a guy who likes to steal fish.”

“Daria,” Jonah said, hurrying into the room. “I just heard. I can’t believe it.”

Daria turned to him, the tears she had been holding back finally escaping her eyes. He put his arm around her and she pressed her face into his shoulder.

“It’s awful,” she sobbed. “She must be so frightened.”

Steve and the police officers exchanged puzzled glances. The idea that an octopus could feel fear seemed foreign to them. One of them chuckled nervously.

“I don’t see what’s funny about it,” Jonah said, much to Daria’s gratification. “Daria knows everything about octopuses. If she thinks Lana is frightened, then she probably is.”

“Of course,” the cop said, clearing his throat. “Well, let’s wrap this up, shall we? We’ll write up the report and get Frank and Joe out here after the aquarium closes up for the night. Hopefully the perp will get sloppy at some point and we’ll nail him.”

“Pay special attention to the flathead perch,” Steve said. “It’s one of the most valuable things here. I can’t believe the thief didn’t go for it first instead of the octopus. Octopus are a dime a dozen.”

Daria glared at him in fury.

“Which fish is that?” the policeman asked.

“Over here,” Steve said. “I’ll show you. Everybody else, you’d better get to work. We open in fifteen minutes.”

The group dispersed except for Jonah, who dropped his arm from Daria’s shoulders and stood with his head cocked to one side, looking at her.

“I guess you don’t feel like our picnic tonight, do you?” he asked.

“I don’t think so,” she said. “I’m sorry.”

“No worries, we’ll do it another time. After Lana is safely home and they catch the jerk who’s behind this.”

“I feel so helpless. I wish I could do something.”

“I might have an idea. Let me think on it. I gotta get to work now, though.”

He left the room and Daria took a seat on the bench in the middle of the floor, watching as the first guests began to filter in, feeling as empty as Lana’s tank.

It was the longest day of her life, Daria thought, as the aquarium announced its imminent closure. She fed the animals, her hand automatically reaching for a fist full of shrimp to feed Lana before remembering her absence. She blinked back fresh tears as she finished and climbed down the ladder. Jonah was there to greet her.

“Hey,” he said in a low voice, stepping closer. “Let’s stay in the aquarium tonight.”

“Let’s what?” Daria said, her mouth falling open slightly. “That’s against the rules.”

“Rules, schmules,” Jonah said. “I don’t trust cops. What if they all fall asleep? What if the crook bashes them over the head?”

“I’ve never broken a rule in my life.”

“Then you’re way overdue.”

“I don’t know.” Daria frowned. “What if we get caught?”

“What are they gonna do, fire us?”

“Maybe.”

“They won’t fire us. They’ll understand we were just concerned about our fishy friends. Come on. It’ll be an adventure.”

“I don’t like adventures.”

“You want to get Lana back, don’t you? As quickly as possible?”

“I sure do.”

“Well, then. We’ll just sneak back in after dark and climb up the scaffolding. We can go anywhere from there, right? We’ll be sure to see whoever it is doing this.”

Daria couldn’t help but admit that the idea had appeal. She thought of the disinterested policemen from the morning. What did they care? They had nothing invested in finding the thief. They probably would fall asleep.

“Okay,” she said, nodding. “When do we come back?”

“Midnight.”

“What if that’s too late?”

“Nobody robs a place before midnight,” Jonah said. “They teach that in all the thievery schools.”

~~~~~

At exactly midnight, Daria and Jonah slipped back into the aquarium. The police car was parked in front of the building, but the pair didn’t see any sign of them as they climbed the ladder to the grating above.

“Take your shoes off,” Jonah murmured. “It’ll be quieter.”

Daria complied, and they peered down at the tanks.

“Do you think they’ll go for the perch?” she whispered.

“Steve was probably right about that.”

“Right about something, for once.”

Jonah led the way to the perch tank, where the small fish swam lazily below their feet. Daria had to admit the flathead was a beautiful specimen, with its orange and aqua stripes and black tail spot. Jonah pulled a bag of beef jerky from his pocket and offered some to Daria, who shook her head.

“How much is that fish worth, anyway?” Jonah asked, chewing.

“They’re really rare,” she said. “It probably cost six thousand dollars at least. It’s not a real perch, either. It belongs to a totally different genus.”

“Interesting. Are there any fish facts you don’t know?”

“Probably not. I have a photographic memory.”

“Damn. That must be handy.”

They waited. Soon one of the policemen strolled beneath them, pausing to watch the fish before moving on down the hallway, yawning hugely.

“Where’s the other cop?” Daria said.

“Probably in the camera room,” Jonah answered. “At least, I hope he is. Whoever’s been tampering with the footage will go there first.”

There was a sudden thud, and they both jumped.

“What the—” Daria said, her heart racing.

“Shh,” Jonah hissed, holding his hand up. “Look.”

A male figure appeared, dressed from head to toe in black spandex and moving stealthily. He was carrying a large plastic bag, which he proceeded to fill with water from the tank. Daria stifled a gasp and stared at Jonah with wide eyes. He motioned at her and they crawled silently to the ladder, but as Jonah’s foot hit the first step, it creaked loudly. The black-clad figure froze, net in hand, perch struggling within. In the next instant he dropped the fish into the bag, knotted it, and sprinted for the emergency exit.

“Hey!” Jonah shouted. “Stop!”

The man did not stop. He crashed into the metal door and fled, Jonah and Daria following. Jonah’s foot hit the puddle of water in front of the tank and slipped, Daria falling into him, and both of them tumbled to the floor.

“Come on!” Jonah exclaimed, pulling her up again. They raced outside and saw the figure climb into a white utility van. Jonah sprinted towards it and launched himself at the door, grabbing the handle as the engine revved to life. With a squeal of tires, the van took off, Jonah hanging on as it careened across the parking lot.

“Jonah!” Daria cried. He was standing on the running board, but the van was picking up speed, and she watched in horror. Jonah wrenched the door open and, in an instant, had wrapped one arm around the thief’s neck. They tumbled out the door and onto the ground, the thief landing on top of Jonah with a terrible sound. The van continued across the pavement and crashed violently into a light pole, engine grinding and tires shrieking. Jonah was gripping the black figure, who was pounding him in the face with both fists. Daria raced across the pavement and flung herself onto the thief’s back with a wild cry and pulled him off.

Together they turned the man onto his stomach, Jonah wrenching one hand behind the thief’s back with a groan, grimacing in pain. There was blood flowing out of his hair and down his neck and one eye was already swelling, but between the two of them, the perpetrator was subdued, breathing heavily beneath them. Jonah pulled his phone from his pocket and hit 9-1-1.

Soon the air was filled with sirens, and Daria saw the policemen stagger from the building, clutching their heads.

“I knew they’d get bashed in the head,” Jonah panted. “It’s in all the real crime documentaries. Robbery 101.”

The policemen handcuffed the thief and hauled him to his feet. They snatched the hood off his head and both Jonah and Daria gasped.

“Bill?” they said in unison.

The janitor scowled back at them.

“Who is he?” the cop asked.

“He’s the janitor,” Jonah said.

“Where have you taken Lana?” Daria demanded. “Where is she?”

“Keep your shirt on,” Bill grumbled. “The fish are fine. And I ain’t the one you should be arrestin’.”

“Who, then?” the policeman said, giving him a shake.

“Steve Johnson,” the janitor answered. “He’s got some buyer he’s been sellin’ them to. Some millionaire who wants his own private aquarium. Said he was makin’ bank and was gonna share it with me once I got the perch.”

“The perch!” Daria exclaimed, running to the truck. The bag of water was on the floorboards, but the fish seemed unconcerned, waving its fins at her gently. She breathed a sigh of relief and returned to the group.

“It seems fine,” she said. “But we’ve got to rescue Lana! Tell me where she is!”

“You’ll have to ask Johnson about that,” Bill growled. “I ain’t sayin’ nothin’ more. Bein’ a janitor is a shit job. Johnson was gonna help me retire. I would have, if it weren’t for you two.”

“I feel like I’m in an episode of Scooby Doo,” Jonah said, laughing. “I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

The policeman stuffed Bill into a cruiser and took off, promising Daria that they’d have Lana back in no time.

“We’ll get a warrant for Steve Johnson,” he said. “Don’t worry; we’ll get your octopus back. And the other fish.” He turned to Jonah. “You look like you might need to get yourself to the hospital. Should I call an ambulance?”

“I’ll take him,” Daria said.

“I gotta admit I’m feeling a little…bruised,” Jonah said, wincing.

At the hospital, Jonah was examined and bandaged and declared free from permanent harm.

“You have a concussion,” the doctor said. “Take Tylenol for pain, and someone should keep an eye on you for the next twenty-four hours at least. You need to be woken every couple of hours if you fall asleep. You might experience some memory loss, but that should resolve in the next few days.”

“I’ll stay with him,” Daria said. Jonah smiled.

“Who are you again?” he asked.

“I’m Daria,” she said in alarm.

“Just kidding,” Jonah said, winking. Despite Daria’s gnawing worry about Lana, she laughed.

“So what will it be?” Jonah asked. “Your place, or mine?”

Daria felt her extremities tingle once more.

~~~~~

Three days later, the pair stood before the octopus tank, watching as Lana waved her many limbs at them and picked through her collection of shells.

“She seems happy,” Jonah said.

“So am I,” Daria replied, smiling at him. He took her hand.

“We make quite the crime-fighting team,” he said.

“I guess we do,” she said. “Thank you. For everything.”

“No problem. But don’t forget you owe me a picnic.”

“I won’t.”

Daria put her arms around him and he pulled her close. She melted into him, growing warm as he pressed his lips to her neck. Beside them, Lana lifted one tentacle and pressed it to the glass.

“She’s giving us a thumbs-up,” Jonah whispered into Daria’s ear.

“I told you she was smart,” Daria replied, resting her head against his chest with a sigh. “And I know everything about octopuses.”